My LS Experience, Again...

Hmm.. it's been a while since I had to do things like this

But recently, it happened again. :(

I was on a road trip around the regional countryside for work. And by countryside, I mean roads that are, well, windy and up and down mountains and basically 1 lane each way. Well, for some part of it.

So the morning before I set off, I had a McDonalds breakfast - Latte and Ham & Cheese croissant. Not sure if that's the culprit. Then it is a 4 hour drive across a mountain range to another coastal town. It was raining for the week as well.

1 hour into the drive, my stomach was churning a little. But the mountainous road didn't have as many rest stops as the usual highways. The pain came and gone. I thought I could last a little longer. I don't fancy going to those toilets along the highway.

Another 30 minutes and it started to hurt again, this time more churning. I am starting to look out for rest stops but there weren't any. And I was in the middle of winding road passing through the state forest.

5 more minutes and I had a trickling sensation near my anus, and I thought, "I still had it under control ??!!. It couldn't have leaked out !" I resigned myself to fate and decided to look for a good place by the roadside to stop my vehicle.

I soon found a small clearing by the road side that goes downhill. So I could stop my vehicle safely and I can be out of view of passing traffic. I stopped, got out, grabbed an umbrella as it was still drizzling all so lightly. Grabbed my box of tissues and a pack of wet wipes and headed down slope.

15 metres away, I couldn't see my car or the road, and I saw a place with some logs that I could take a dump. And so I did, wishing very hard that it doesn't come out all in one blast and splatter all over my shoes and pants. Luckily, it didn't - it was like brown yogurt... (haha.. I don't eat yogurt, thank goodness.) And the tickling sensation must have been my sweat, cos I checked my undies and I hadn't leaked anything at all. *phew*

Since I was already there, I wanted to be sure I emptied everything before I am on my way again. Squatting behind the logs, under my umbrella, the rain picked up. And I had all memories of my army days coming back to me for a while. Damn, it's been a looooong time since I had to do this. I hope my bums don't get bitten by anything. And I hurriedly looked around to make sure there weren't any snakes or insects that are creeping up me.

10 minutes later, I was sure I am in the clear, cleaned myself and walked back to my car - yes, it was still there of course. Continued my journey, all relieved.

500 metres down the road, there I see it - a sign and 100 metres further a rest stop with a small tinny toilet shed....

The night I was molested...and almost blinded

Went to St James Power Station club last night with my colleagues. It was my first time there. Looks quite interesting. But I think I still prefer MOS. Haha..

Movida's music was good. Then I went to get a drink. On my way back from the bar counter to where my colleagues were, that is where I was violated.

I was carrying a glass of drink in my hand. The other hand was used to weave my way through the crowd. While walking near some tables, there was this couple who were slightly high and dancing.

The guy was behind the girl and I think he was sort of hugging/dancing with her to the music. I walked in front of them. That area happened to be just a bit sparse and while I was walking towards them, the girl was grooving to the music and saw me coming.

Just as I was walking past her, she reached out and pulled my my shirt, caressing my stomach. I was surprised as I thought her hands were just part of her dance. In that instant that I realized it, I sucked in my stomach (well, I am already quite flabby) trying to impress her... Hahaha..

Then I saw the look of disappointment in her face as she removed her hands and continued dancing while I walked past. All without missing a step nor losing my stride.

Ha ha.. Never thought I would still get such attention. Or maybe she was too drunk ? Too bad I didn't get a closer look at her boyfriend to see if there is any reason for her to be molesting other guys...

:)

P/S : Yes, it is "To walk past", not "To walk passed".


Oh and yes, nearly blinded. Was just squeezing through the crowd and this girl (I thought is a she) with spikey hair was moving her head about while I was squeezing behind her.

Yes, her hair poked into my right eye. I thought I was going to be blind...

Found Home ... Don't Go...

Harry Potter = Star Wars ????

Got it off the net

A Light Moment.

Taken off the Internet.. somewhere ...

New Zealand Police
Nga Piurihimana O Aotearoa

Ref: ******

15 June 2005

*****
AUCKLAND

Dear Sir/Madam

Records indicate that you are the owner of Holden registration number
******.

On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed
limit at the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland.
Evasive action taken by pedestrians. This incident took place at about
1:15 PM and has been reported to the police by way of the Community
Roadwatch program.

You may not have been the driver at the time and even if you were you
may feel that the driving was not in any way risky. However another
person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving to report the matter to
the Police. The other person's perception was that the way your
vehicle was driven at that time was not safe.

If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring
this matter to the driver's attention.

Yours sincerely,

Inspector Matt Fitzsimons
Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

21st June 2005

Officer in Charge
Police Infringement Bureau
New Zealand Police
PO Box 9147 Wellington

Attention : Inspector Matt Fitzsimons

Dear Sir.

RE: Police advice Ref ******

Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15th, 2005.

I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member
of the public but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have
been driving for the past 25 years all over the world without incident
and class myself as generally a good driver. Yes, I have had a few
speeding tickets during this time, but that doesn't necessarily
detract from a person's driving abilities.

I was indeed the driver of this Holden. I clearly remember this
incident because it happened on the eve of my 40th birthday and I
remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this
milestone despite there being numerous stupid people out there.

My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD
Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it.
Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the
halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill - this being
necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the
Auckland motorway system.

On the afternoon of June 10th, my wife and I were on our way to
Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown
over for my 40th birthday party that was being held the next day. We
were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident
occurred.

I was already in the process of turning my car right into Fields Lane
from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end) when I
was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B who both simply
stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.

At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car, with
it's lights and right hand indicator on, having complete right of way
after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic.

We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other,
completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland
Street (south side) and when they reached the kurb they simply kept on
walking right into my path without even looking for traffic.

Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.

The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already
committed to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat
Waikato in an NPC rugby match - slim to none.

As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish,
I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.

The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the
car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass
B) hit a single, beautiful note at about 100 decibels. Now 100
decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars cars that
were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway, thereby
causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have
an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging,
land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.

Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the
100dB noise and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in
front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on
them at about 30kmph with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now
burning their retinas and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch
5.3 ABS system kicking in onto a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing
ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV-embossed twin piston
Corvette front calipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated and
grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move they have either
individually or collectively ever made.

Put simply, they **** themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight
year old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch, I pulled the car up in
time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear
words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the
Army, and we all went on our merry way.

I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an
HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KM/H in about 6.3
seconds. We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because
Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.

In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit
that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90
degree right-handed turn, both the car and my wife and I would have
been subjected to lateral G Forces of around .92 Gs.

I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a
manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a
rather significant slap up side of my head followed by a
not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of
the weekend on the couch.

If you get a chance to talk to whichever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass
B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was
not safe", could you ask them if they would much rather have had the
number plate of the car embedded in their skull due to being mowed
down as a result of their own stupidity.

You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the
City Council also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race,
that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers
to simply ignore any of the existing rules in the Road Code.

The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint
with your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV
braking systems and my own lightning quick reflexes. I would therefore
like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills
with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate. Can you see
what you could do for me here and please get back to me.

This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart
people in this world, you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge
them.

Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further

Regards,

*****

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Zealand Police
Nga Pirihimana O Aotearoa
29 June 2005

*****
Auckland

Dear *****

RE: Roadwatch Report ******

Thank you for your letter dated the 21st June 2005, concerning the
driving matter on the 10th June 2005 in Auckland,

I certainly appreciate what you have written, I note the points in
your letter (not the descriptions), there are always two sides to one
story, we are not to know that until like in this situation, you have
brought in another side of the story.

I have attached your letter to our file.

Any further enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

LW ADAMS-REID
Senior Constable E319
Roadwatch, Wellington.
(Ph 04 381 0046)
Safer Communities Together

Its a little late, but ...

Go Read.
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/WO0009/S00207.htm

I love the few below :

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed ...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

The day I was stuck in the toilet for 3 hours

Was relieving myself in a public toilet, and was there for 3 hours, after reading this sign :

What is "Kian" ?

Last night, was waiting for a couple of friends to arrive at a local Duck Rice stall for dinner. I was there first and waited for them.

I was hungry, so I ordered the food first. Duck meat, Toufu, Sambal KangKong, Egg but no Duck Spare-parts.

Then my friend SMS me for "Chicken Kian". Chicken Kian ? What the heck is a Chicken Kian ?
I looked back at the stall banner, and it says Duck Rice & Porridge.

So I messaged back : Chicken ? Are you going to the wrong stall ?

The reply : Sorry. Quack Quack Kian.

And I hesitated in ordering the duck Kian. My friend, R, went and ordered. The Kian arrived.
A few minutes later, my friends, H and P, also arrived. We ate.

I asked what is a Kian. No one could give me a definite answer. Guesses of kidney, liver, lungs, but still no conclusion. After eating it, I still didn't know what it was.

~*~*~*~*~

We finished our dinner and settled in a nearby cafe. Ordered cakes and drinks. After our food and drinks arrived, we are short of a spoon and 2 forks. So I went to the counter to get the missing crockery (no, they are not utensils, as most Singaporeans would have them.)

Me : Excuse me, can I have a spoon and 2 forks please ?

Lady : *stares at me, with mouth ajar* Huuuh ???!!!!

Me : Can I have a spooooon, and *rasies 2 fingers* 2 forrrrkk *fingers makes jabbing motion* ?

Lady : Oh. Ok.

She proceeds to get them for me.

From her stare at me, and her louder than normal "Huh" back at me, I figured she thought she heard me say some swear words at her. Or she thought I was trying to get fresh with her.

So much for speaking good English. I think next time, I will stick to the usual Singlish : "Can I have a spoon and 2 fox, please ?"

~*~*~*~*~

Soon, the conversation turned back to the unsettled Kian.

P : So, what was the Kian ah ? Nice right ?

R : Ee. I don't eat spare parts one. And he was still wondering whether to order or not.

Me : Of course lah ! I don't know what is that. Later don't have, kenna suan. So malu.

P : Huh. You also will be embarrassed one meh ?

H : Of course lah.

Me : Of course lah ! You think I so thick-skinned one meh ? First chicken Kian, then duck Kian. How I know whether duck got Kian or not ?

H : Hello. They are both ducks what...

Me : Huh ? Both are ducks ?

H : No no.. Both are fowls.

Me : Eh. Just because the are both fowls doesn't mean they have the same thing ok.

H : They have the same intestines and organs mah.

Me : Is it ?

H looks at me in a challenging manner. I think for about 20 seconds...

Me : Eh. Chicken have the *put palm vertically on head, fingers pointing up* but the duck don't have mah !

P : *shrieks* hahaha. You mean chicken that part.. the crown.. can eat one meh ?

H & R were laughing

Me : No lah. What I mean is, I don't know what Kian is mah. Maybe only chicken have, but duck don't have leh ? Or even if they have, maybe the duck one is not served as food leh. Like you eat chicken feet, but you don't eat duck feet mah.

H : But got goose webbed-feet being served what.

Me : But that is goose lah. Also, like got duck's tongue, but I don't see chicken's tongue being served. Chicken don't have tongue right ?

H, P and R all laughs loudly. I think the whole cafe is looking at us.

Me : Wait.. ok.. So chicken have tongue, but they are not served as food right ? So that is what I mean, just because duck may have Kian, doesn't mean they are served as food mah. I don't dare to ask wait kenna laughed at by people...

H, P and R continued laughing.

Me : Yeah what. You guys get my point, right ?

~*~*~*~*~

So I have made my point...I think...
And I have tasted the duck Kian, but I still have no idea what it is ...

Sex in Office ? Or ... ?

Went out for lunch just now and saw this on the grass patch.



Damn ! Someone is having great office sex at this moment, in a Business Park !
What have I been missing ?

On second thought, either someone is having great sex, or that someone has done so badly in his/her job and is for the boss to .....

My LS Experiences

I remember one day I was talking to someone about stomachaches and needing to go toilet.

It reminded me of an incident that happened a few years ago. Kind of funny now, but you can be sure I wasn't even smiling at that time.

Warning : This is going to be a long and disgusting story.... Read at your own risk.

It was in the evening, around 6pm. I took a bus from Jurong East on the way home. The bus was crowded (thus I suspect it was a weekend), but I had a seat and it was near the exit.

In the beginning, I felt ill. Stomach upset. I thought I will endure it till I reached home. Another 5 minutes and the bus moves only 3 stops. Bus is full. Traffic is heavy. Pain in my stomach is getting worse. I need to find a restroom very very soon.

5 more minutes. 3 more bus stops. Another 15 to get to my house. Decided to get off near a coffee shop which I know is about 3 bus stops away.

1 more minute. Feeling of involuntary rectal movements. Something is coming down. I know I cannot endure another 3 more bus stops. I will crap in my pants and everyone on the bus will know.

I pressed the bell. I stood up. Squeezed my way to the exit. Bus is waiting at a junction to turn right. Long queue of vehicles. Light just turned red. I stood at the exit, legs crossed. Closed my eyes, focusing all my strength to squeeze my rectum shut, holding everything in.

Am I able to catch a cab and reach home in time ? At most, I embarrass myself in front of one driver only.

Traffic light is toying with me. I swear the people around me noticed me. My eyes opened. Still red light. It felt like 10 minutes.

Bus turned. Stopped at the bus stop. I got down. I looked left, I looked right. No public toilets. All HDB flats. Nobody around as well. I took a gamble. Walked up a few flights of stairs.

If I can't find anyone that can offer me their toilet, I will have to dump it in a secluded corner and run as fast as I can away from the crime scene. How about toilet paper ? No time to think about that. Maybe I can use my handkerchef and throw it away. If it is not enough, I can use my underwear to clean too, and just go home in my jeans.

I saw a Malay boy and girl, wearing school uniforms, sitting around their front door chatting. I ran up. I asked whether I can use their toilet.. no wait. I TOLD them I needed to use their toilet, that I am having stomachache.

The boy and girl (about the age of 14 to 16), looked at me. I squeezed my way past them, into their house and run to the toilet. I saw an only grandma halfway, I think she was in the living room. I told her in simple English "Stomachache. Toilet." I didn't wait for permission. She can call the police for all I care - I will crap all over them ! Literally !

I closed the toilet door. Barely took off my pants, the moment I squatted down (yes, it was the squatting pan type) all Hell broke loose. I can hear the old Grandma walking into the kitchen, saying somethings in Malay. I couldn't understand her questions or demands. I didn't reply.

She came outside the door of the toilet. Then she exclaimed "Alamak. Busuk !". Now THAT I understand. And I agree with her.

I took me 5 minutes to purge whatever it is that is causing my stomach to expel. I cleaned up. Flushed the toilet. And now I am ready to face the music of trespassing. I opened the door. No police.

I walked out. Thanking the grandma in what little Malay I can speak, I thank the boy and girl, and stepped out, put on my shoe and walked. My head held high again.

I took a cab home and rested.

That will forever be in my memory. The pain, the strength needed to keep in an explosion, the expulsion of non-halal food waste in a Muslim toilet, the unseen-but-imaginable twitching of Malay grandma's nose when the stench attacked her all-so-fragile nose and sense of smell, the day I charged into someone's house risking arrest. It will be the day of my most horrendous LS experience.

Attempt to be Lame

Today I am not feeling too well. Think I am coming down with the 'flu virus. Trying to keep it at bay. Next week is important, because it is World-Wide manager's meeting for my company. Need to "show face".

Weekend is a little bored so I shall attempt to be lame and be a bimbo.

Yesterday I just bought a new phone. Hee hee. Cost me $0.. After my voucher from M1, and trading in my old phone, and using points from my credit card. Got the Sony Ericsson K700i. Cool, I quite like it. Much better than my previous T610.

Its silver. And can take Photos and Videos. *Acts Cute*. Can play MP3 as Ringtone, and built-in FM Radio. Oh oh, has speaker phone too, so that I can conference call with my friends to gossip.. *Acts bimbo*

Ok.. Forgive me for all these nonsense. must be my medication. But, not everything I write has to be intellectual right ? Afterall, many popular blogs out there are just about trival stuff too.

Life of a Porn Clerk

Hey, boring Saturday. Found this to be amusing. Enjoy !

1. Beth's First Law of Tag Replenishment:
Of any ten tags you need to put away, nine of them will be in front of the big creepy guy who won't move.

Ali's Corollary:
Of these nine, at least five will require you to bend or crouch in such a way that your head is right in front of his groin.

.... (snipped) ....

There are way more bisexuals in the world than you think. I know there are way more than you think, because there are way more than I thought, and I'm bisexual. People who've finally gotten rid of all their inhibitions in that regard rent all over the Kinsey scale - there are a few 50/50 renters, but more people just seem to throw in what suits them. It still freaks out many of my fellow clerks when people do that. "Weird. That guy rented three gay videos and two straight," comes up a lot. I usually gently mention that there are more than two options in the world, but they tend to just give me blank looks. Oh, well - most of them are still in college. They'll learn.

.... (snipped) ....

But I digress. We actually hardly ever turn people gay or even bi. The clerks at our all-porn branch have noticed a fairly strict progression, because their porn is broken up by far more than gay and straight. According to them, the most likely Porn Drift path for a straight male goes from all lesbian to straight sex (some guys are so freaked out about seeing another guy's penis that straight sex videos are called "gay male" in some circles) to she-male. We keep the she-male stuff in the straight section - straight guys don't want to go to the gay section for their chicks with dicks videos, and for the most part gay men don't rent them.

(I have been given two interesting explanations as to why straight guys like women with penises. The first is that men don't believe that women like or want sex as much as they do. A chick with a penis, then, is a woman who has a full, hearty, male sex drive and must want sex as much as he does. The second one is almost touching to me: Vaginas are mysterious, and penises are by comparison fairly straightforward and easy to satisfy. A guy knows what to do with a penis, so if a woman has one he can be sure he knows how to satisfy her.)

I am actually sort of heartened by Porn Drift. I like seeing concrete evidence that sexuality is a more fluid thing than people like to admit, and I like seeing people stop worrying about what they're supposed to be turned on by and just go with what they like. I feel like the more people stop trying to fit themselves into rigid little boxes, the more they'll be able to cut people slack when they fit into a different box, or don't fit into a box at all.

So depending on your point of view, we're either helping people to open up to a new understanding of themselves and others, or we're helping to turn previously normal people into depraved freakos.

What else is new?

Funny Army gribes

Hey, as a male Singapore Citizen, I have gone through the entire National Service and still serving the Reservist.

Just found a funny website full of humourous writers and Army stuff.

Excerpt :

The Verdict:

Well, I was like going to ORD already, but I heard that I was not guilty for losing the scabbard. DyS4 is nice enough to tell the RSM in charge of the guard room (I think was for CCO), and once the CCO RSM found out, he gave EVERY RP who were on duty that day (I think excluding the sergeant lah, but if he gana, too bad, I ORD LOH) 1-2 extras.

Yes, I have finally dealt justice to the deserving RPs. It's just suay you lose lim beh's scabbard - I am the Statement I/C plus lao jiao signaller - wahaha.


Ah no, you will not hear about my army stories.. Well, at least not now.. hahaha

Be Good, or Else...

Overhead a mother telling her daughter to be good, or else "the garang-guni man later take you away".

This led me to recall all the various "scare-tactics" that were used by parents. Policemen & Ah-bu-neh-neh are the 2 most commonly used.

No wonder so many of us grow up to be law-abiding racists.

But I can vividly recall a mother using a very original variations to scare her kid.
Instead of the usual "If you are not good, Policeman will catch you", she told her kid
"Don't anyhow run ah ! Later Ah-bu-neh-neh catch mummy, then you have no more mummy ah !"

Wow. The fear of losing his mother is definitely scarier than being kidnapped..