My LS Experiences

I remember one day I was talking to someone about stomachaches and needing to go toilet.

It reminded me of an incident that happened a few years ago. Kind of funny now, but you can be sure I wasn't even smiling at that time.

Warning : This is going to be a long and disgusting story.... Read at your own risk.

It was in the evening, around 6pm. I took a bus from Jurong East on the way home. The bus was crowded (thus I suspect it was a weekend), but I had a seat and it was near the exit.

In the beginning, I felt ill. Stomach upset. I thought I will endure it till I reached home. Another 5 minutes and the bus moves only 3 stops. Bus is full. Traffic is heavy. Pain in my stomach is getting worse. I need to find a restroom very very soon.

5 more minutes. 3 more bus stops. Another 15 to get to my house. Decided to get off near a coffee shop which I know is about 3 bus stops away.

1 more minute. Feeling of involuntary rectal movements. Something is coming down. I know I cannot endure another 3 more bus stops. I will crap in my pants and everyone on the bus will know.

I pressed the bell. I stood up. Squeezed my way to the exit. Bus is waiting at a junction to turn right. Long queue of vehicles. Light just turned red. I stood at the exit, legs crossed. Closed my eyes, focusing all my strength to squeeze my rectum shut, holding everything in.

Am I able to catch a cab and reach home in time ? At most, I embarrass myself in front of one driver only.

Traffic light is toying with me. I swear the people around me noticed me. My eyes opened. Still red light. It felt like 10 minutes.

Bus turned. Stopped at the bus stop. I got down. I looked left, I looked right. No public toilets. All HDB flats. Nobody around as well. I took a gamble. Walked up a few flights of stairs.

If I can't find anyone that can offer me their toilet, I will have to dump it in a secluded corner and run as fast as I can away from the crime scene. How about toilet paper ? No time to think about that. Maybe I can use my handkerchef and throw it away. If it is not enough, I can use my underwear to clean too, and just go home in my jeans.

I saw a Malay boy and girl, wearing school uniforms, sitting around their front door chatting. I ran up. I asked whether I can use their toilet.. no wait. I TOLD them I needed to use their toilet, that I am having stomachache.

The boy and girl (about the age of 14 to 16), looked at me. I squeezed my way past them, into their house and run to the toilet. I saw an only grandma halfway, I think she was in the living room. I told her in simple English "Stomachache. Toilet." I didn't wait for permission. She can call the police for all I care - I will crap all over them ! Literally !

I closed the toilet door. Barely took off my pants, the moment I squatted down (yes, it was the squatting pan type) all Hell broke loose. I can hear the old Grandma walking into the kitchen, saying somethings in Malay. I couldn't understand her questions or demands. I didn't reply.

She came outside the door of the toilet. Then she exclaimed "Alamak. Busuk !". Now THAT I understand. And I agree with her.

I took me 5 minutes to purge whatever it is that is causing my stomach to expel. I cleaned up. Flushed the toilet. And now I am ready to face the music of trespassing. I opened the door. No police.

I walked out. Thanking the grandma in what little Malay I can speak, I thank the boy and girl, and stepped out, put on my shoe and walked. My head held high again.

I took a cab home and rested.

That will forever be in my memory. The pain, the strength needed to keep in an explosion, the expulsion of non-halal food waste in a Muslim toilet, the unseen-but-imaginable twitching of Malay grandma's nose when the stench attacked her all-so-fragile nose and sense of smell, the day I charged into someone's house risking arrest. It will be the day of my most horrendous LS experience.